


Operation Diversion (or Human-Time Lord Metacrisis and the Art of Burlesque)

by leftennant



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Smut, Het, Implied Slash, Multi, Romance, Smuff, Smut and Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-21 20:55:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1563743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leftennant/pseuds/leftennant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten and Tentoo play a prank on Rose at work involving a banana, a strip tease, sexual telepathy, and air-sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Operation Diversion (or Human-Time Lord Metacrisis and the Art of Burlesque)

**Author's Note:**

> A while ago I started wondering what would have happened if Ten had stayed in Pete's World with Tentoo and Rose and they all worked at Torchwood. (not that I suspect the Doctors worked as much as they inadvertently blew stuff up, but still) It was from those bunnies that this crackfic was born. A big shout out and thank you to my buddy Glo-Win for all the encouragement and help. Also much thanks to Thinky and Silver for inspiring the the sonic showdown.

This was the single most unbearably boring meeting Rose Tyler ever had the misfortune to sit through. She was parked at a table with Donna and the Time Lord Doctor, listening to Wharton Ptolemy drone on and on about the new copy room policies, and the cost effectiveness of switching to a movement sensitive lighting system. 

Donna had begun to doodle, and Rose was leaning over her legal pad, watching her put the finishing touches on Wharton hanging from the gallows when she noticed a flash of blue from the corner of her eye. She looked up through the large plate glass window separating the conference rooms to see the other Doctor’s head peer around the doorway in the next room. He stopped, waved cheerfully, and then made a face that encapsulated his hatred of meetings in general and Wharton Ptolemy led meetings in particular. 

“You’re meant to be in here,” Rose mouthed in annoyance.

“Fat chance,” he mouthed back.

She rolled her eyes. It wasn’t as if he really needed to attend the meeting. Anything of relevance could be explained either by her or Donna…or the Time Lord would just use telepathy to relay it to him, but still… If they had to suffer through this blindingly boring sit down, he should too. He waved again and disappeared from the doorway. Rose assumed that was the end of it, and made a mental note to retrieve him later from equipment archives where he would probably be pocketing every bit of alien tech he could get his hands on. 

Ten minutes later, she had begun working on her own doodle with Donna assisting in the finer details - this time it was Wharton hanging from a barrage balloon with about fifteen missiles honed in on him - when she saw the blue-suited Doctor saunter back into the other room. He grinned mischievously at her, hopped up on the conference table, and bounced to his feet. At the same time, the Doctor in the room with Rose and Donna sat up and locked eyes with his twin. A flagrantly mischievous look passed between the two of them and the Time Lord gave a quick nod and turned his head back to his notes, smiling slyly. 

Rose watched the exchange with trepidation. It was never good when the two Doctors combined forces at work. Although, there _was_ that time in the janitorial closet…and also those five times in their joint research lab…and…well…fine. Sometimes it was very, very, very good, but mostly it resulted in fire or explosions or shrinking Mark in R &D down to the size of Jelly Baby. Then everyone ended up hauled in front of Pete being alternately threatened with firing and cajoled to behave. 

Rose was still glaring at the Doctor standing on the table. What was he thinking? He was in plain sight of the entire room. She took her legal pad and wrote _**Everyone can SEE you!**_, and tilted it covertly so he could read it. He shook his head furiously and then lifted up his wrist so Rose could see the perception filter bracelet clipped around it. 

Oh, _this_ was bad. This was so bad that Rose wondered if she should just make some sort of excuse and exit the room immediately so she could apprehend him before he did whatever it was he had planned. The problem with that was everyone would see her stalk out, appear in the adjoining room, and then drag a non-existent person out by the ear. She would end up with another visit to the Torchwood psychology department, and her mum would start pushing early retirement again. The only other option was trying to ignore him, but she knew from experience that was next to impossible.

Rose used her hand to prop up her head in a surreptitious attempt to shield her eyes. A note flashed across the psychic paper sitting next to her legal pad. 

_You’re wasting your time, Rose._

She froze as an image of the half Time Lord Doctor appeared in her mind, this time from the angle the full Time Lord must be looking at him. 

_Now, just sit back and enjoy the show._

Rose dropped her hand. She was going to regenerate one and kill the other when this was over.

The Doctor on the table was getting started. With a licentious look at the Rose, he started to gyrate like a pole dancer, shimmying almost all the way down to the tabletop before twisting his way back up. On his third rotation, he slid a banana from his suit pocket and began to peel it, tossing the bits of skin behind him as if it were some sort of bizarre burlesque act. This, Rose realized with a snort, was exactly what it was. Only the Doctors could come up with something so utterly insane. 

He had the banana completely disrobed now, and was…well…eating it didn’t cover the way he was molesting that poor banana. Basically, he was sliding the elongated fruit into his mouth and halfway down his throat before pulling it back out again and then running his tongue all over the tip of it. The Time Lord Doctor was watching this entire act with great interest. Rose was very familiar with the expression currently covering his face, and wondered at what point he was going to hit the door at a dead run and tackle his counterpart to the ground. 

After about thirty more seconds of orally fixating on the banana, he finally ate it, making exaggerated faces of orgasmic joy with every bite. Rose rolled her eyes and tried to turn her attention back to the meeting. Within moments, she had the sensation of fingertips running up both of her thighs. The psychic paper flashed again. 

_I told you to watch. Now, you can either play nice, or I’ll be forced to take measures to ensure you do._

Her head snapped up to see him grinning at her, eyebrow raised questioningly. The mental fingertips came back, this time slipping up Rose’s stomach an over her breasts. She gripped her pencil so hard it snapped. Another note popped up on the paper. 

_Actually, I’ll probably do this anyway. Do you need another pencil? I’ve got two in my trouser pocket. Why don’t you try to find them?_

His grin turned filthy and he shared a look with his twin in the other room that had the other man almost choking on the end of his banana in laughter. 

If Rose had any hope that once the banana was finished the show would be over, she was seriously mistaken. Clearly, the half Time Lord had merely been warming up, and was now in full on stripper mode. He ran his hands down his torso and over his thighs and back up with a wink at Rose. Then he started unbuttoning his jacket, rocking his hips in time with a soundtrack only he could hear. He turned around and dropped it off his arms, catching it by the sleeves and shaking his arse at them as he slid the jacket back and forth under it. As the pièce de résistance, he drew the jacket between his legs and jerked it forward and backwards as he did a rather good duck walk across the tabletop. 

Rose had just taken a sip of water and nearly spat it across the room. She turned beet red and practically fell off her chair trying to stifle her choking fit. The Time Lord just sat back looking slightly bored. Apparently, he missed the banana. It wasn’t until Rose saw the other Doctor pop his collar and loosen his tie, that she got an inkling of just how far he was going to take this. 

Still rolling his hips suggestively at the two of them sitting behind the glass, the part Time Lord Doctor tugged open the buttons on his shirt. As soon as he had it off, he whipped it around his head a few times and then flung it at the window, where it hit with a soft thunk and fell to the floor. Everyone else in the room looked at the glass in confusion for a moment and then turned their attention back to Ptolemy. Rose and the full Time Lord were now riveted to the action going on in the other room where the partially nude Doctor was starting in on his belt. 

He pulled the belt through loops and doubled it, snapping it in his hands a few times before pointing at Rose and then spanking himself with it as he did what appeared to be the pony. She dropped her head onto her hand to hide her impending laughter, and immediately felt a tongue run across the crease of her left thigh. Sitting up with a start, she saw the Time Lord Doctor staring at her. He licked his lips lewdly and the psychic paper lit up with words again.

_You’re. Not. Watching._

Donna looked over to see what had made Rose jump, and Rose did her best to smile back casually while trying desperately not to writhe around as the Time Lord mentally teased her. At this point, the part-human Doctor placed his index and middle finger in front of his mouth in a v, stuck his tongue out between them, and waggled it at Rose. She flipped him off while pretending to stretch, but was swiftly punished by what felt like a hard suck on her clit. 

Through the glass, they could see the other Doctor starting to work the button and zip on his trousers. He got them open and began pushing them slowly down his hips. The difficulty came when they reached his trainers. He seemed determined to get them off and keep the high-tops on, and Rose had no idea on earth how he thought he could manage that. With quite a bit of struggle he managed to work one free before turning his attention to the other, but somehow he overbalanced and went off the side of the table headfirst with a giant crash of chairs. 

Rose nearly jumped to her feet in worry, but caught herself just in time. Even the Time Lord looked a little concerned as he leaned forward towards the window, trying to see around the table in the other room. Miraculously, Wharton had taken that moment to loudly clear his throat, and it seemed like no one else had noticed the noise. 

Just as Rose was about to go check on him, the part-human Doctor leapt triumphantly back on the tabletop, now clad only in his tie, pants, and trainers. He beamed hugely at her with the dimpled grin that never failed to melt her heart, and Rose decided there was no point in fighting against enjoying their antics anymore.

The Doctor sitting next to her must have sensed her assent, because there was now a sensation of fingertips drifting up and down the back of her neck, followed by what felt like lips ghosting over the sensitive skin of her ear. Then she felt actual fingers at the hem of her skirt, sliding under the fabric and drawing circles along the inside of her knee. Rose rolled her chair slightly closer to give the Time Lord more access, and he happily took advantage of every inch he could reach without drawing the attention of their co-workers. 

Rose turned her attention back to the half-human Doctor who appeared to be in another telepathic conversation with his counterpart. She had time to truly appreciate his long, lean lines while he stood there, hands on hips, planning his next move. After a few moments and a flurry of nods, he hopped down off the table and walked out of sight beyond the side of the window. Rose turned to the Time Lord to find his lips twitching like mad and she realized he was trying to not to laugh. Ok then, something was coming, and that something was going to be _good_.

Without further ado, the other Doctor came bounding out in front of the glass, thrusting his slim hips and holding his hands in front of him as if he were supporting an invisible partner. As he air-sexed his way across the room with gusto, Rose furiously clapped her hand over her mouth to hold back a laugh. Everyone looked up, and she felt the blood rushing to her cheeks.

“Sorry, don’t mind me. A goose must have walked over my grave or something. Carry on. Really, nothing could be more fascinating than the self-cleaning loos on floor 18B. I’m all ears, yeah?” she said and smiled disarmingly at the assembled team members.

“I used to be all ears,” the Time Lord murmured, and Rose kicked him under the table. He straightened up in his seat like a model of decorum. 

The other Doctor was back, this time holding his hands up as if he were supporting his transparent partner in front of his face. He then mimicked setting a pair of thighs over his shoulders and started licking and lapping the air in front of him for all he was worth. As if in counterpoint with his twin, the Time Lord started in on the Rose again and she could feel a tongue between her legs, moving in tandem with what the Doctor in the other room was doing. Ok, this meeting needed to end. _Now_. Otherwise, she was going to shag the Doctors on this table and they’d all be sacked.

“Get us outta here, or I’m going to shag you both in front of the team,” she hissed through clenched teeth at the Doctor sitting next to her.

“That a promise?” he whispered back with a smirk.

“Doctor! Now, _please_. You’ve got that massive brain, think of a reason why we need to leave…” Sudden inspiration hit her. “…or I’ll hide all the biscuits the next time you leave the flat.” He appeared to debate this, tilting his head slightly and pursing his lips. “ _And_ the jam,” she finished.

His jaw dropped. “You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.”

“Right then.”

“Excuse me,” he said loudly, turning to Wharton with a confident air, “Rose and I have an experiment that has gone critical and requires immediate attention. Come on Rose, let’s go check on the…” His imagination seemed to have failed him, and he looked to Rose for help.

“The…erm….Chlorionic Transmogrophying Beam Assimilator,” she prompted.

“Ah yes, exactly, the CTBA. Very sensitive, needs constant attention. And when I say constant, what I mean is undivided, twenty-four seven…”

“You are laying it on a bit thick…wrap it up,” she breathed almost silently behind him.

“…attention. So then, we’ll see you all later. Rose?” He held door open and ushered her out with a hand on her lower back. 

The door mercifully closed behind them and Rose exhaled loudly in relief. Wasting no time, she grabbed his hand and began dragging him down the hallway.

“Rose…” He pulled back, trying to halt their progress. She refused to stop, hell bent on getting them into the nearest unoccupied room.

“Rose,” a second, identical voice called, “wait!”

She whirled around, and saw the part-human Doctor chasing them down the hall, clothes clutched in one hand and trainers unlaced. 

“What?” she asked impatiently. “What could possibly be more important than us finding a place to shag right now? I mean, GOD, the two of you have been winding me up for nearly an hour!”

He caught up to them and threaded his fingers through the ones on her free hand. “Well, it’s just that I brought the TARDIS, and she’s right here in this empty copy room. So… I thought perhaps…if you wanted….”

“Yes. Let’s,” she said. “Now would be good.”

“Wizard!” he replied gleefully and the other Doctor rolled his eyes. “What? You prefer Molto Bene? I don’t hear you complaining about it when my mouth is around your…”

“Enough!” Rose tugged her hands free and planted them on her hips. “Are we really going to stand in the hallway and debate which of you has the best catchphrases _now_? Because I for one find this to be a poorly timed pissing contest.”

The Time Lord glanced at his twin, “She’s right you know,” he said, ruffling a hand through his hair. “Absolutely no sex is happening in this hallway.”

“Easily remedied,” the other Doctor pointed out. “Wallsex. My favorite.” 

“TARDIS," Rose said urgently. "And hurry up, the last thing we need is for this to get back to my mum. She still thinks we have separate flats."

"Technically, we do," the Time Lord replied. 

The half-human Doctor grinned. "Yeah, _we_ live on the TARDIS."

"Which you keep parked in my bedroom,” Rose retorted. 

“Weeeeell, yes, but you have to admit it’s a convenient arrangement.” 

Rose wasn’t sure which one of them said that, she was too busy using her badge to open the copy room door. It took three tries, but the lock finally clicked and the three of them tumbled in against the side of the TARDIS. The two Doctors snapped at the same time, and TARDIS door swung open. 

Rose just shook her head. “You two think you’re so impressive.”

“Rose Tyler, we _are_ so impressive. Need I remind you of last Thursday night?” the half-human Doctor said, pulling her through into the console room. 

He clearly had the advantage over his twin at the moment, as he was already more or less undressed. Something which didn’t escape him. As the full Tme Lord was busily shrugging out of his jacket and unbuttoning his oxford cuffs, the half Time Lord Doctor snagged Rose’s hand and tore off down the hall. She had little choice but to follow, running as best she could in kitten heel pumps. 

“OI!” the other Doctor yelled after them. “Don’t even _think_ about it!” The sound of his trainers smacking against the grating as he flew down the hall after them echoed through the TARDIS.

“Run, run, run!” the Doctor at her side gleefully chanted, as he glanced behind him to gauge how far away his twin was. 

He was so intent on getting her into the bedroom that he missed the door entirely, blazing a few feet past it and then screeching to halt. He caught Rose and spun her around before hurling them both through the doorway and kicking the door shut behind them. Without even turning around, he plucked the sonic from somewhere in the pile of clothes he was carrying and aimed it at the door. It buzzed for a second and then she heard it lock with a loud snick.

“HA!” he crowed and grinned licentiously at Rose. “Alone at last.”

“You do realize he’ll just sonic that open, yeah?” Rose asked, grinning back at him.

The words had barely left her lips when they heard the sound of a body slamming into the door and the latch rattling as he tried to open it.

“Noooooo,” he said from outside the door. “You didn’t.”

“Oh yes!” the part-human Doctor shouted back with smug joy. “I DID!”

“Fuck!” There was the sound of a head banging on the door followed by a frustrated exhalation and the sound of trainers racing off down the hall again.

“Why didn’t he just open it?” Rose asked.

The grin on the face of the Doctor in the room turned positively wicked. “Because,” he said, putting his hands on Rose’s hips and pushing her up against the wall, “his sonic is still in his jacket pocket, and his jacket is in the console room.”

Rose fought back the laughter for a few seconds then gave up. “You. Are. Evil.”

He smirked. “Yep. It’s all my naughty human genes, swirling around in there, corrupting the nice, pure Time Lord ones.”

“Which genes?” Rose asked, palming him through his boxer briefs. “These?”

The Doctor’s mouth dropped open and he ground into her hand. “Not sure. We might need more testing,” he gasped out.

“What sort of testing?” 

“I… Um… That is…” He was staring straight at her mouth, and she knew exactly what he wanted even if he was too shy to ask.

Rose turned them so that he was the one up against the wall and began kissing his neck. “Tell me?”

His hips bucked helplessly as she slipped her hand into his pants. “I think…” he started to say, and then his head dropped back to the wall as his neck arched from the sensation of her stroking him, “…you know.”

“I think I know too,” she replied as she dropped to her knees in front of him, “but I want to hear you say it.”

“Rose…” he begged as she freed him from his pants and they drifted down to rest on his maroon trainers. “…please, he’ll be back any second.”

“Ah-ah,” she scolded, her hot breath on his sensitive skin making him shudder. 

“I want…” He paused. 

She waited. The three of them had only been back together a short time, and though the full Time Lord had no problem expressing what he wanted, _often_ , her other Doctor still seemed wary. It was as if he believed he were living on borrowed time. He couldn’t have been more wrong. Rose might not have been able to have the same mental bond with him she could have with his twin, but her love for him was no less. He was her Doctor. They both were. She just needed to make him see that.

Rose ran her hands up his thighs, framing his hips and brought her lips closer. He closed his eyes.

“…your mouth,” he finally said, opening his eyes. “On me.”

Request made, Rose indulged him, taking him in one hand and running her tongue down his length. His fingers curled against the wall and his hips jerked reflexively. She’d just taken him in her mouth when the sound of thudding footsteps followed by the telltale buzz of a sonic screwdriver came from the other side of the door. 

The Doctor in the room lifted his arm, his own sonic at the ready, and as the door unlocked, he immediately locked it again.

“Oh, COME ON!” the Doctor outside the door shouted. 

The Time Lord’s sonic whirred again, and just as quickly the part-human Doctor switched on his. Rose continued her attentions to the man in front of her. His free hand cupped the back of her head, fingers tangling in her hair, and his hips began to rock gently. 

“LET! ME! IN!” There was a loud thump with each word which might have been the Time Lord kicking the door.

“Nope. Busy. Come back later,” the man in front of Rose called back between gasping breaths.

They quickly established a pattern. The latch clicking constantly as one Doctor fought for entrance and the other fought to keep him out. Rose knew it was only a matter of time before the Time Lord managed to get in. He’d either go back to the console and manually disable the entire locking mechanism on the TARDIS security grid, or fry the keypad next to the door. She assumed only reason he hadn’t done either yet was because he was trying to avoid lengthy reprogramming or repair.

Rose would need to pull out all the stops if she was going to get the Doctor in the room off before the other Doctor interrupted them. She increased her speed, using her hand in tandem with her mouth as she pushed him closer to release. 

“Fuck! Rose…. Yes... just…like that,” he stuttered, hand tightening in her hair.

Lock open.

Lock shut.

Open.

Shut.

His orgasm was only seconds way now, she could feel it in the way he was going stiff all over. She curled her tongue tight against him, bobbed her head and….

Three things happened at once. The part-human Doctor came with a groan, and dropped the sonic. The Doctor in the hallway tried one more time to get in. And the door, at long last, banged open.

The Time Lord practically fell into the room, but managed to catch himself mid-stumble, trying to act like it was all some sort of grand entrance that he’d planned in advance. 

“Ha!” he shouted at his twin. “Knew you wouldn’t be able to keep me out forever.”

“Oh,” the part-human Doctor said casually, tugging on one ear, “was that _you_ out there? I thought I might have heard something. Didn’t I say, Rose, that I thought I heard sounds in the corridor? Sorry, mate, next time text or something.”

Rose just rolled her eyes and got to her feet. 

“And as for you,” the Time Lord Doctor said, rounding on her, “aiding, and abetting this…this…”

“Intrinsically captivating and devastatingly fit specimen of manhood?” the other Doctor offered.

The Time Lord compressed his mouth into a thin line of irritation. Meanwhile the part-human Doctor kept proposing possible alternatives.

“Fetching? No? Bewitching? Or oooh, how about astoundingly tumescent Adonis?” he asked, undulating his hips suggestively and humming something that sounded suspiciously like I’m Too Sexy for My Shirt.

The Time Lord opened his mouth to retort, and shut it with a click as he noticed Rose was now quietly unbuttoning her blouse. “Right,” he said, “my turn.” And he dropped a small, unobtrusive metal cylinder at the feet of the part-human Doctor.

“What’s that?” the other Doctor asked, picking it up off the floor.

“Oh that? Just a bio-kinetic containment field,” the Time Lord said nonchalantly.

“Is it?” The part-human Doctor prodded it with one slender finger. “How does it work?” He turned it over in his hand. “Where’s the on switch?”

“Right here,” the Time Lord Doctor replied and held up a palm-size remote control with a small red button. 

The other Doctor’s eyes widened as comprehension dawned, and he dropped the device. “You wouldn’t”

“You bet I would,” the Time Lord Doctor declared and pressed the button.

A circular beam of light coursed up from floor to ceiling, fully surrounding the part-human Doctor. He tried to step through it, and was abruptly checked by the enclosure. He spun around, searching for his sonic, and found it...a good six inches _outside_ his enclosure. 

“What sort of lunatic carries a bio-kinetic containment field in his pocket, anyway?” he inquired indignantly.

“The sort that lives with you,” the Time Lord replied. 

The part-human Doctor bristled. Even his hair seemed offended. “Rose, are you going to stand for this?”

She shook her head. “Oh no, M’not getting in the middle of this.”

The Time Lord slid Rose’s blouse off her shoulders and draped it over a nearby chair. “Funny, you usually love being in the middle of us.”

“Not…” She paused as he began kissing her neck. “…when you’re having a row.”

“Quite right,” he said. “You know, I had this idea when we were still in the meeting. Weeeeell, I say idea, but it was really more of an elaborate fantasy involving your knickers being off and my head under your skirt. What do you say, Rose Tyler? Fancy an orgasm or four?”

The Doctor in the containment field said something in Gallifreyan that probably made the TARDIS blush. 

The Time Lord ignored him in favor of removing Rose’s knickers. With his teeth.

For her part, Rose was just relishing the fact that she wasn’t the one being tortured. She felt like they both needed to be taught a lesson from their prank earlier, and so far it was all working out beautifully. The best part was that the two of them were so competitive she really didn’t have to do anything but sit back and enjoy the oral fixation. And the oral fixation was really rather brilliant, she thought as the Doctor made his elaborate fantasy a reality. 

“Rassilon, Rose,” his voice came floating up from under her skirt, “you’re so wet, and hot. So very, very, wet and very, very hot.”

It was quite evident that his commentary wasn’t directed at her, but Rose decided to let it go as he was punctuating his words with lots of tongue action. So much tongue action in fact, that she was well on her way to that first promised orgasm. 

She was distracted, however, by the part-human Doctor pacing furiously inside his tiny prison. The Time Lord noticed her lack of focus and guessed the reason. 

“Don’t worry, Rose,” he whispered. “It has a timer setting. He’ll be out in less than a minute. Thirty-six seconds actually.”

It took less than thirty-six seconds for Rose to climax the first time. She was still in full on afterglow mode when the containment field powered down and released the other Doctor. Her second orgasm followed ten minutes later.

The third one was in the shower, when the Doctors claimed their way of using a flannel was technologically advanced and offered to “help”.

The fourth one involved the counter in the TARDIS kitchen and some toffee pudding. She may never look at another pudding cup without blushing for the rest of her life, but it was worth it. It’s always worth it to her where her Doctors are concerned, and she suspects it will be forever.


End file.
